“The greatest thing we can do is help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.” – Fred Rogers
If there is a universal emotion we see as therapists when infidelity has been exposed, it’s anger. The anger is often related to feeling broken-hearted. Trust is also an obvious issue, and is vital to regain. Once an unfaithful partner acts out, the betrayed partner loses their role as confidant. That in itself can be one of the most devastating losses. Hostility is bound to rise up.
If reconciliation is going to happen, the anger has to be addressed. Anger is generally a secondary emotion caused by other deeper feelings ie; resentment and pain, old wounds from childhood and beyond getting triggered, guilt, defensiveness and powerlessness to remedy the problems created, fear, and righteous indignation especially when our anger is justified… just to name a few. Whether angry at ourselves, our partners, and/or the world, it is still possible to work though all of these emotions, the roots of our anger, so that we may still speak the truth in love.
Rebuilding Trust, Connection, and Intimacy After Betrayal
Healing Together After Sexual Betrayal
When sex addiction is discovered in a relationship, both partners are deeply affected. The betrayed partner may feel devastated, confused, or traumatized. The partner struggling with compulsive sexual behavior may feel ashamed, afraid, or unsure how to make things right. Couples therapy in the context of sex addiction recovery offers a structured, safe, and guided space for healing—both individually and together.
Rebuilding a relationship after betrayal is possible, but it takes time, courage, and the right support.
Why Couples Therapy Matters in Recovery
Sex addiction creates a profound rupture in emotional and relational safety. Couples therapy helps partners navigate:
- Rebuilding trust and emotional safety
- Communicating with honesty and empathy
- Processing the impact of discovery and disclosure
- Developing shared agreements around boundaries, sobriety, and accountability
- Deciding whether—and how—to move forward as a couple
Couples therapy isn’t about rushing forgiveness or forcing reconciliation. It’s about creating a space for truth, healing, and clarity—regardless of the long-term outcome.
Approach
I use a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach that honors both the betrayed partner’s pain and the addicted partner’s efforts to change.
- IITAP (International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals)
Structured tools for guiding addicts and couples through the recovery process, including full disclosures and relational healing tasks. - APSATS (Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists)
A model that centers the betrayed partner’s trauma, emphasizing emotional safety, boundaries, and informed choice.
Couples Therapy Is Not…
- A replacement for individual therapy
- A quick fix or shortcut to forgiveness
- A way to control or punish either partner
- Always about staying together—sometimes it helps couples part with clarity and peace
Common Goals in Couples Recovery
- Rebuilding trust with transparency and consistency
- Clarifying personal and shared boundaries
- Relearning how to communicate without blame or avoidance
- Processing pain without re-traumatization
- Creating intimacy based on honesty, not illusion
You’re Not Alone
Sexual betrayal is one of the most painful things a couple can face—but with the right support, healing is possible. Whether you stay together or not, couples therapy provides a space for clarity, empowerment, and healing for both partners.
“Much work needs to be done to grieve the loss of the relationship you believed you had, to communicate with transparency and compassion, and to restore trust, sanity, and heighten empathy.
The most important thing a betrayed partner needs after a sex addicted partner achieves sobriety is to hear, feel and see, that he GETS how much he hurt you. Some people never got there—they have absolutely no empathy. They may even think that their partners are unreasonable to expect it. Your responses may overwhelm you both, however they are a result of all of the feelings of loss and chaos that accompany the trauma of discovering you have been betrayed by the person you trusted the most.
I find the sex addicted partner’s lack of empathy for his betrayed partner kills coupleships that could have recovered from sexual betrayal.
Through couples therapy we maintain hope that it is possible for your partner to gain empathy skills and teach you what it takes for him to get there. If you’re hoping your relationship will recover, this work will be very helpful and will validate for you that any hopes you may have that your partner can understand your pain are normal and healthy.
Many couples grow closer from learning how secrets, shame, fear, and feelings of rejection and abandonment affect their behavior.
In addition, by tracing both of your responses back to your own childhood experiences you may learn how to comfort these feelings in each other and yourselves so you can respond in ways that are healthier and take you both where you want to go in your relationship.
Restoring trust in your relationship is a challenging process in the face of what you have experienced. Many couples have made the decision to do the work and have experienced tremendous post traumatic growth and a new found respect and love for each other and themselves.
I can help you both if we all work together with open, honest, compassionate communication.“
Adapted from the teachings of APSATS Board Member Carol Juergensen Sheets LCSW, PCC, CSAT, CPPS – Carol The Coach
RESOURCES FOR COUPLES
Couples Support Groups
1. Susan Zola, LCSW, CCPS, CSAT COUPLES GROUPS – Couples Recovery Groups are available by invitation once you have completed the disclosure process. Please let me know if you are interested and would like to go on the waiting list. The group is $100 per session per couples and meets twice a month. The group will be less than 6 couples. You will be charged $200 a month whether you attend both sessions or not.
2. Circles of Support and Accountability – (COSA) Healthy Intimate Relationship (HIR) – “HIR meetings are intended for those members in recovery. HIR (Healthy Intimate Relationships) is a style of blended meeting in which both COSAs and sex addicts are welcome to participate fully, with or without partners. This meeting uses the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of COSA to help us develop a greater capacity for empathy and emotional intimacy in our primary love relationships. Please note that this meeting is in a Zoom Room with a different number and password. To receive this information please contact hir.zoom@yahoo.com &/or cosazoomroom@yahoo.com for access to these specific meetings.”
3. Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA)– “RCA is open to all committed adult couples seeking to create or restore a caring, committed, and intimate monogamous relationship regardless of age, sexual orientation, gender identification, religious background, culture, race, class, national origin, physical or mental challenge, or political affiliation. The RCA fellowship actively supports valuing differences both within a coupleship and among couples of diverse backgrounds. In our coupleships and in our groups, we are committed to valuing our differences and surmounting the barriers to serenity. Diversity is important to our coupleships and to the RCA fellowship because each of us, being different, makes a richer contribution to the whole. Each individual meeting is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups and RCA as a whole. We encourage you to check the directory on our website, www.recovering- couples.org, and call or email the Group Contact Couple (GCC) listed before attending a new meeting.”
FOR A MORE EXPANSIVE LIST OF SUPPORT GROUPS – VISIT the 12 Step Programs website page
