The Stay or Go Dilemma
Navigating the Stay-or-Leave Dilemma After Sexual Betrayal
When a partner’s sex or porn addiction is exposed, the betrayed partner is often thrust into a painful and confusing question:
“Should I stay, or should I go?”
This is one of the hardest, most personal decisions you will ever make—and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. The goal of this page is not to tell you what to do, but to guide you through the process of finding clarity, empowerment, and truth in your own time.
First, Honor the Shock
In the early days after discovery or disclosure, your nervous system may be in fight, flight, or freeze mode. You do not need to make any major decisions right away.
It is okay to say:
- “I don’t know yet.”
- “I need time to think.”
- “I’m not ready to decide.”
You deserve space to process before being pressured into reconciliation or separation.
Understand the Nature of the Addiction
Sex and porn addiction are often compulsive, escalating behaviors fueled by secrecy, shame, and emotional avoidance. They are not simply “bad choices”—but also, they are not your fault.
Ask yourself:
- Is my partner acknowledging the problem?
- Are they in recovery and willing to do the work?
- Am I seeing consistent accountability and remorse?
- Am I being blamed for their behavior?
These questions help assess whether change is truly possible—and whether safety and healing can be restored.
7 Key Considerations in the Stay-or-Go Process
1. Safety
Is the relationship emotionally, psychologically, physically, and financially safe for you? If not, creating safety is the first step—regardless of whether you stay or go.
2. Truth and Transparency
Can you get to the truth? Is your partner willing to be honest and fully disclose what has happened (ideally in a structured, therapeutic setting)?
Secrecy = unsafe.
3. Is There Real Recovery?
Look for actions, not promises. Recovery takes time and includes:
- Individual therapy with a qualified CSAT or addiction specialist
- Attending 12-step or recovery groups (like SA, SAA, or another recovery community)
- Accountability, sponsor involvement, and behavior change
- Transparent use of technology (filters, accountability software, etc.)
4. Your Emotional and Physical Health
How is this relationship impacting your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing? Betrayal trauma can lead to:
- Chronic stress
- PTSD symptoms
- Loss of joy or identity
You deserve to be emotionally safe and seen.
5. Children and Family Considerations
If you have children, ask yourself:
- What are they witnessing?
- Is the home environment stable and nurturing?
- Am I modeling boundaries, self-respect, and emotional health?
Staying “for the kids” is a common but complex choice. Make sure it isn’t costing your well-being or theirs in the long run.
6. Can Trust Be Rebuilt?
Rebuilding trust is possible—but only if your partner is doing consistent, honest recovery work. You do not have to reconcile with someone who continues to lie, blame, or act out.
7. What Do You Want?
Take your partner out of the equation for a moment. Ask yourself:
- What do I want my life to look like a year from now?
- Do I want this relationship if the addiction were resolved?
- Have I lost myself in this relationship?
- What would it feel like to live in peace?
There’s No “Right” Answer—Only the One That’s Right for You
Some partners choose to stay and work toward restoration, and others leave to protect their peace and rebuild on their own terms. Both paths are valid.
What matters is not the choice itself—but that it is made from a place of clarity, truth, and empowerment, not fear or pressure.
Tools to Help You Decide
- Therapy: Work with a betrayal trauma-informed therapist or coach
- Books: Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft; Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens
- Journaling Prompts:
- What is the cost of staying?
- What is the cost of leaving?
- What would healing look like—inside or outside this relationship?
- Boundaries: Try a 90-day therapeutic separation to gain clarity without committing to either path permanently